MISSING LINKS

2026  STATISTICS

🏆MISSING LINKS MATCH REPORT — JULY 2026

(Fine weather? Briefly. Fine golf? Mostly. Fine excuses? Abundantly.)

July’s Mug at Lakelands was, by Missing Links standards, a relatively orderly affair. The golf was solid, the shenanigans were modest, and the main storyline of the day was not what happened on the course but what happened in the group chat the night before.

THE KIRBS CHRONICLES — A STUDY IN INDECISION

The week leading into July’s Mug had been gloriously sunny. Then, with the timing only nature can manage, the forecast turned. Virtually guaranteed rain for Sunday. Dark clouds. Doom graphs. The full meteorological horror show.

This was enough for Kirbs, who, having consulted the Bureau of Meteorology’s rain probability chart with the intensity of a man studying the Dead Sea Scrolls, announced the night before that he would not be playing. He may dissolve, he explained. The risk was simply too great.

The groups were reshuffled. Plans were made. The world moved on.

Then Sunday morning arrived. And with it, some sunlight.

Kirbs, peering out his window at what appeared to be an entirely survivable morning, underwent what can only be described as a complete reversal of conviction and messaged the group to announce he was, in fact, coming to play. He was on his way. He would be joining.

The problem, of course, was that the groups had already been reorganised around his absence. The solution was straightforward — he was added to the last group, arriving late as is his established custom, slotting in at the back of the field where stragglers and those susceptible to dissolution belong.

THE TROY SITUATION

Troy also withdrew on the morning of the round, citing the need to assist his father with a leaky roof ahead of the expected rain, not wanting the elderly gentleman up a ladder in dangerous conditions. This is, of course, a perfectly reasonable and admirable explanation. We believe every word of it. Every. Single. Word.

THE RYAN HANDICAPPER REPORT

In what appeared to be a genuine breakthrough for the club, Ryan was fully prepared and ready to go, with updated playing handicaps, spreadsheet in order, etc. Given his current between-mansions (and jobs) lifestyle — waiting patiently for one enormous house to sell so he can move into the next enormous house, with all the free time that entails — we dared to hope that the era of handicap chaos was finally behind us.

It was not. The July Mug scores remain absent from the handicap spreadsheet as of this writing. Ryan, mate. You have one job. You have ALL the time. Sort it out. 🙏

THE GOLF

Mark claimed the Mug with a composed 34 stableford points – well deserved and thoroughly uncontroversial, which frankly makes a pleasant change around here. Ryan pushed him all the way with 33, with Mike rounding out the podium on 31. Solid golf all round given the conditions that, despite Kirbs’ fears, remained largely survivable throughout.

MATT’S FULL MEMBERSHIP EXPERIENCE PACKAGE

It was Matt’s first round as a fully paid-up Missing Links member, and he approached it with impressive commitment – not just to the golf, but to the complete membership experience.

He collected a Snake. He drove short of the Ladies’ tee. He finished near the foot of the leaderboard. All of this achieved with a brand new, gleaming set of Ping clubs so expensive they presumably came with their own insurance policy and a small retinue of attendants.

Welcome to the club, Matt. Properly this time. 25 points is the traditionally the score to aim for while the diamonds are still attached to those hosels. Once you’ve launched a few hosel-rockets and the sparkles fade, it tends to come together. 😄

UNAUTHORISED LANDSCAPING – A KIRBS SPECIAL

And then there was the 7th hole.

Kirbs striped what he describes as an “epic” 7-iron, the wind caught it, it found a sprinkler head at the back of the green and ricocheted cheerfully into a bunker. The next shot found the other bunker. The hole was wiped for zero points.

What followed has been officially classified by the Fines Committee as Unauthorised Landscaping – a blurry, vigorous and unsolicited rearrangement of the nearby garden bed mulch using a lob wedge, performed without club approval and in clear breach of course etiquette. Kirbs has described the incident with the kind of detailed self-awareness that suggests he knew exactly what he was doing. The Fine Master has noted it accordingly.

STEVE’S ATTEMPTED MURDER

Steve also finds himself before the Fines Committee on an Attempted Murder charge, the circumstances of which remain, at time of writing, classified. We may update the record if spectacular enough evidence is presented and all (any?) witnesses statements reviewed (in other words, I can’t remember the details).  Steve, you know what you did.

WHO TURNS UP, AND WHO TURNS UP AND DELIVERS

Three men are yet to waste a single round. Mike Saunders and Gaz Bayliss have fronted six times and scored six times — a perfect 100% strike rate and the closest thing this club has to a sure thing. Gavin Sconce joins them unbeaten at 4 from 4, though the purists will note he’s done it with two fewer chances to get found out.

THE CHAMPIONSHIP PICTURE

With Mark’s Mug win and Mike’s third place finish this month, the annual championship standings have shuffled dramatically at the top. Mike now leads the pack, but only by a single point from Mark, who in turn leads Gaz by just one point. Three men separated by two points with 4 months still to play – it doesn’t get much tighter than that (don’t forget Gav, who is still in the race after only 4 mugs played, but all scored!!). Meanwhile Ryan has quietly doubled his prior tally from 8 to 16 points, a timely reminder that the man who can’t update a handicap spreadsheet can apparently still find a fairway when it matters. The battle for the 2026 championship is very much alive and the pressure is on. Watch this space. 👀

NEXT MUG: The Glades, Sunday 17th August. Tee time 7:20am. Be there by 6:50am or be fined. Kirbs, check the weather the morning of – not the night before. 🏌️⛳