MISSING LINKS

2026  STATISTICS

🏆MISSING LINKS MATCH REPORT: OCTOBER 2026

(Byron Bay. Blue skies. One maiden win, one dead putter, and a pineapple plantation lost at Caulfield.)

After a week of rain that had several members nervously checking the forecast (Kirbs, we’re looking at you), the clouds cleared just in time and Byron Bay presented itself in absolutely tip-top condition. Lush fairways, quick greens, and no excuses. Not that the lack of excuses has ever stopped anyone in this club.

Byron is fast becoming a mini Kooralbyn: tee off on Saturday after the comp players have cleared out, play the Mug, then descend on downtown Byron for an evening of fine dining at The Balcony, followed by considerably less fine decision-making until the wee small hours. Sunday morning then delivers an early round for those still capable of standing, featuring sore heads, grey complexions and the occasional dry retch behind a tee box. Tradition, really.

THE GOLF: MATT, AND THEN EVERYONE ELSE

Let’s start at the top, because the top was a long way from everybody else.

Matt won the Mug with a stunning 39 stableford points. Thirty-nine. Five clear of the field. Not a countback, not a nervous wait for the last group, just a flat-out thrashing.

Behind him, things got crowded. Three men tied on 34, requiring the countback to sort them out: Ryan took second, pipping Mark for third, who in turn pipped Mike into fourth. Mike, Mark: the countback has now claimed so many Missing Links victims that it should probably be listed as a member. It certainly turns up more reliably than Kirbs.

MATT’S JOURNEY: THE COMPLETE MISSING LINKS EXPERIENCE

Spare a thought for how far Matt has come in such a short time. In just a few months as a fully-fledged member, he has now experienced the entire emotional spectrum this club has to offer:

The shock of collecting fines across multiple categories, headlined of course by the immortal moment he played another bloke’s ball, half-covered in a corporate logo, out of a bunker on the wrong hole and then asked if that was a fine.

The crushing low of finishing dead last at Lakelands with 19 points.

And now, one month later, the exhilarating high of a Mug win by five clear points. From 19 to 39. From wooden spoon to silverware. Those platinum, diamond-encrusted Pings have finally decided to earn their keep and with play like that their cost per stableford point will come down dramatically!!

The win lifts Matt three places up the annual standings, from 16th to 13th. It should be noted, in the interests of journalistic honesty, that he has climbed over some pretty fucking low championship tallies to get there. But a climb is a climb. Well played, Matt. 🏆 The handicapper will see you shortly – waaaay too many double-stroke holes – 24 my arse! 😊

RYAN AND THE ONGOING TROUSER CRISIS

It is with genuine concern that we report Ryan appears to have developed a real problem keeping his pants up. What began as a one-off “presentation” on the 17th green at The Glades has now become a pattern, and Byron was treated to yet another unscheduled screening.

The casualty this time was Gaz, who made the critical error of looking. Witnesses describe the colour draining from his face, a long silence, and a period of quiet reflection on the edge of the fairway as he seriously weighed up whether he could continue the round. That he soldiered on and still scored points is perhaps the most underrated achievement of the day.

Ryan, mate, this is now an intervention. Belt. Braces. Both, if necessary. Some things are best left to the imagination, and frankly, we have run out of imagination to protect us. 🙈

GAV AND THE PUTTER: A HORROR STORY IN THREE ACTS

Some of you will remember the passing of Gav’s 4-wood at Ocean Shores, a club that, in Gav’s own words, “had that coming for a long time.” Those of us who were paying attention suspected it would not be the last execution. We were right.

Prologue: The Breakfast Review. Before the putter met its maker, there were early signs that Gav’s day might not be a joyful one. On the very first hole, after making a thorough mess of his greenside shots, Gav turned away and brought up what can only be described as the aftermath of a thousand Lemon Weapons. One hole in. Not even a warm-up.

One might assume a good chunder would clear the system and lift the spirits. One would be wrong. If anything it simply cleared space for the rage that would later be visited upon his putter. In hindsight, hole 1 wasn’t a stomach issue. It was a warning shot. 🤮

Act One: The Warnings. It began quietly. A lipped-out four-footer on the front nine. A muttered word to the putter. Then another miss, and a longer stare at the clubface. Then a third, and those in the group noticed the stares had stopped entirely, replaced by an eerie calm. The putter was being spoken to in a low voice. Nobody could make out the words. Nobody wanted to.

Act Two: The Sentence. And then, on the 12th green, one more putt slid by. Time stood still. The birds stopped singing. Witnesses report a chill in the air, and that for one brief moment Gav’s eyes turned a sickly shade of yellow. Some swear they glimpsed a striped jumper and a battered fedora, Freddie Krueger style 😱. Then, with the unhurried calm of a man who has done this before (because he has), Gav took the putter in both hands and snapped it clean in two over his knee. No rage. No shouting. Just justice, delivered, followed by some low muttering about it “…..having been coming for a long time”. Eerily similar MO and post deed language as when this writer witnessed the demise of that 4-wood @Ocean Shores.

Nobody spoke. Nobody moved. Somewhere in a cold, dark and muddy lake at Ocean Shores, a 4-wood shuddered.

Act Three: The Aftermath. Here’s the truly unsettling part. Having executed his putter, Gav completed his round putting with his 3-wood and his sand wedge, and putted better. Hole after hole, rolling them in with clubs never designed for the job, as if to make a point to every other club in the bag: you are all replaceable.

Only on the 18th did the spell break, when Gav lost concentration and three-putted, relieving Simon of the Snake. Even horror villains have an off moment.

A reminder to all members: do not miss Gav’s tee time. Do not take his parking spot. Do not, under any circumstances, get on his bad side. 😨

MARK’S HOT TIP

On Friday, Mark confidently put the group onto a horse running in the 8th at Caulfield. At 8 to 1 (I think), the maths were irresistible: a winner would fund the entire night out in Byron, possibly with change left over for Sunday’s hangover breakfast.

And so, a pineapple plantation’s worth of each-way pineapples (that’s $50 notes for our international readers) was duly wagered.

The horse ran fourth.

Not first or even a place. Fourth. The TAB thanks you all for your generous contributions, and the bar tab at The Balcony was correspondingly more self-funded than TAB funded. Mark has been fined for providing a shit horse-racing tip, and may not be consulted on gambling matters for the foreseeable future. In all fairness, though, most of us would not know which end of the 🎠 to bet on, so fellas, don’t be too hard on Mark (I’ve chosen not to publish all the shit-talking I heard after the race 😉).

THE REST OF THE CHARGE SHEET

Kirbs was late (shock), and Jimmy managed to be very late, arriving after the round but before the night’s drinking commenced. He missed the Mug but showed for the hijinks and ‘fun’ hangover round Sunday, which takes real commitment. Bill and our guest Col were both charged with Attempted Murder, Col making an impression on this outing that he’ll want to forget, having also collected a Snake. Troy, Kirbs and Gav joined him on the Snake list, and Simon failed to reach the Ladies’ tee once. A solid haul for the Fine Master.

THE CHAMPIONSHIP PICTURE

Gaz collected 3 points this month to stretch his lead to 46, extending his remarkable record of scoring every time he plays. Mark sits second on 43, three back. Mike holds third on 39, but Ryan, who has now scored 18 points across the last two Mugs, has crept to within two points on 37 and is breathing heavily down Mike’s neck. The Presidential Suite allocations are anything but settled.  Less than 6 weeks to go now, lads!!  🥳

NEXT MUG: Coolangatta-Tweed (West Course), Sunday 15th November. Tee time 7:30am. Be there by 7:00am or be fined. Kirbs and Jimmy, that means you. Gav, please leave the putter executions until after the round. 🏌️⛳